Dear Mikey One Percent,
Frankly? I doubt you attended Kindergarten with forty three of your peers. And I know - I know, with absolute certainty - that when it comes to academic performance, that Kindergarten class didn't get the results that my students meet by the end of August. (Things have changed since you went to Kindergarten, dude, and it's not just the terrible union teachers and their tiny little classes. The standards are years higher, too.)
But as always, I have to tell you that if you intend to double my students and my pay, I want to see you do it first. Mikey, it might sound like a generous offer, but compare it to your income, and think hard about this offer. (It's worth remembering that while, say, $125,000 may sound like an awesome amount of money for a teacher, the people proposing it make more than ten times as much. And their pensions, insurance and so on are better than teachers', too.)
Given my typical class load, the forty four students you'll have will present some serious classroom issues, Mike. At least six will have IEPs upon Kindergarten entry. Eighteen to twenty will be on the young side - late October and November birthdays. Thirty will not speak English, so start planning those ELD lessons now.
Four children will be in foster care; at least six more will be in kinship placements. Two will be homeless; almost all of the rest will live in decrepit, violent and under-resourced public housing. Eighteen will have witnessed or been personally involved in serious violence. Twelve will have chronic asthma or other major health problems.
Forty three of them will qualify for free or reduced-price lunch, and half will face food insecurity at home. Twenty five will live in homes where no adult is able to find work. Start stocking up on the snacks and school supplies, Mike: you'll need to use that excellent salary to supplement what your school and your families can't afford.
Based on your breezy comments, despite the challenges, you'll have no trouble ensuring all forty four read fluently by the end of the year. They'll whip through their fifty sight words spelling test in five minutes before finishing twenty addition and subtraction problems. Then they'll write a five sentence story before making a map of their neighborhood and creating a Venn diagram to compare insects and isopods.
And then you'll have the credibility you need to lecture me about school success, ineffective teachers and the good old days of fifty kids to a room.
Until then: shut up.
Not So Cordially,
E. Rat
You are my hero.
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